would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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