put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
