I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
