too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
