I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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