My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
