I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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