I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
