I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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