I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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