So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sorry my hands just texted you
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
