My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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