its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
