If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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