i think i have two assholes
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
