the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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