If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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