I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
