she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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