Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
