You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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