Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
