I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
