so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
