Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
