just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
