Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
