she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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