What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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