So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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