i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
