You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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