Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
