Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
