she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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