I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
