Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
