Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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