i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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