atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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