I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
