made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
