i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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