I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
