I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
