does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
