went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
