theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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