She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
