i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
