He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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