I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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