You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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