Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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