I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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