he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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