smell my finger.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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